Shame is a big problem in today's world. We are afraid of our sex life and relationships. What can you do to transform this emotion and live a happy life?
What Does Shame Mean?
There are many definitions of shame that you can find online. Instead of a difficult scientific example, let's unpack some characteristic features of shame:
• Difficulty with honesty in interpersonal relationships - being afraid of criticism and humiliation, you will not show your true self.
• Feelings of isolation and loneliness- even in a relationship, you still struggle with creating a nurturing connection.
• Self-harm, for example, cutting, binge/restrictive eating,
• Abusive behaviour - even as a victim you can still manifest this pattern.
• Challenge to form or sustain any kind of a relationship - you might be afraid of showing your quirks which may be criticised or ridiculed.
• Getting into abusive relationships - shame puts you at risk at a much higher level.
Shame can be masked when you are around people by any addiction and compulsive behaviour. The next time you look at an alcoholic or drug addict, think of what this person might be ashamed of.
The Destructive Influence of Shame
All these features have one thing in common: destruction. According to Dr Hawkins, who has created the vibrational scale of consciousness, shame is at the very bottom, indicating pain and suffering. Why is a shame so destructive?
• Shame opens the door to anger, self-disgust, worry and other feelings at ego frequency.
• It makes you feel small and worthless, trickling into your inner dialogue like poison, locking you into a vicious circle of negative self-talk.
• You cannot love, enjoy your life and have hope for a better future.
• In extreme cases, shame induces self-harm and substance misuse.
• Shame isolates you. Believing negative messages about yourself can lead you to avoid and withdraw from others.
• It hinders your relationships because of mistrust, communication, and sexual problems, which ignite conflicts. You are not open emotionally and are withdrawn.
• You attract even more shame and paint your life with negative thinking.
The Origin of Shame
Shame often has its roots in messages you have received from others, especially during your childhood. Being criticised as a person by parents or teachers, you identify with this criticism.
It happens because the figures of authority criticise you for any poor behaviour choices you may have made.
Religion has also taken its toll; in this case, you were told of being a sinner or guilty of all the evil in the world.
Can shame be healthy? Well, only if you learn from it, work on it and move upward in the vibrational spiral of consciousness.
Shame vs. Guilt
These emotions are very similar but some differences must be noted. Firstly, guilt usually relates to making a mistake, or doing something you should not do, including doing wrong to another person.
Secondly, people often find it easier to discuss guilt, because it implies in turn your willingness to repair any damage you have done.
Both guilt and shame can promote behaviour change because disappointment with yourself can prevent you from making the same mistake.
However, shame relates to your sense of self, cutting deeper, so these feelings and thoughts generated by these feelings can linger long after your apology or repair the damage done.
Recommended reading: Can Guilt Be Healthy? Check It Now
How to Heal from Shame
To succeed, you need to take holistic action. Working only with thoughts or emotions will not bring you desirable effects. However, your thoughts are crucial here.
1. Meet Your Enemy
Start by learning as much as possible about your shameful thoughts, language and behaviour. For a couple of days, write all your shameful thoughts and in which circumstances they occurred.
Then, also in writing, answer these questions:
• What triggers my shameful thoughts?
• Who might have installed this thought?
Also, notice the consequences of your shame. Look at your eating styles and possible addictions like drinking, smoking and drug taking.
2. Change Your Thoughts
I have written many articles about working with thoughts You could learn about putting negativity in the bin or burning in the fire, I described the STOPP technique.
Today I will suggest broadening your perspective and… observing the thought. How to do it? Firstly, acknowledge the thought. Do not try to deny its existence. That is one way of seeing things.
Secondly, explore the thoughts. Where has it come from? Normally thoughts come from subconsciousness which in turn can be influenced by telepathy or mind control.
Recommended reading: 7 + 2 Prayers to Transform Your Subconscious Mind
Thirdly, you can decide what to do with the shameful thought: think, observe or discard it. If it is a shameful thought, find evidence for and against it.
Moreover, question the authority of those who have instilled this thought in you. Mum? Dad? Maybe it was not about them but their parents, grandparents, society, and religion.
3. Change Your Beliefs
Your work is similar here, it just needs more determination and time because beliefs are condensed thoughts, something stronger.
Firstly, write down all your shameful beliefs. Do it in your diary on the left page. Then, on the right, question each belief and decide what to do so that this belief stops bothering you.
For example, let’s say that you are ashamed to think of sex life. Write this belief as precisely as possible. Then question it this way:
• Who has told you that sex life is dirty/immoral etc.?
• How righteous were the people who have told you this belief?
• What was their benefit making you shameful?
• What is the evidence against this belief?
• What action can I take right now to change this belief?
Recommended reading: 4 Effective Ways You Should Use to Eradicate Negative Beliefs
4. Change Your Self-Talk
Start considering yourself as a beautiful being. No more shame or beating up yourself. Are you afraid that people will condemn your relationship with a 10-years younger man? What would be the worst thing that might happen? Does it matter? For whom?
It should matter only to you. Stop looking at the social mirror, look at yourself. No one will live your life for you, so right now, when you finish reading this article, go to the bathroom or wherever you have a mirror, stand in front of it and, looking into your eyes, say:
I AM THE WONDER OF THE UNIVERSE, NO MATTER WHAT.
Repeat this for 5 minutes. Then decide that no one, anymore, will decide about your happiness, making you ashamed. Do this exercise for a month or more and see the difference
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5. Work on Your Subconscious Mind
Your subconscious mind contains all your memories, not only from this life. However, you can reprogram them, not only by prayer.
But remember whichever method you choose, be willing to make an effort and work for at least 30 consecutive days, or even longer. Also, give yourself permission to get rid of shame and instil the belief that you deserve a life without shame.
Reprogramming your subconscious mind is like decluttering the computer and removing all viruses. In your case, these are shameful thoughts, beliefs and emotions.
However, you also have to beware of what you record on your computer (i.e., your mind). For example, avoid toxic people, that is those who record shame in your life, even if it means cutting contact with your family, ending a relationship or changing a job. Give them an assertive warning first, though.
Recommended reading: How To Disarm Toxic Friends 12 Proven Tips for You
What methods can you use?
• ETF for working with emotions – link
• NLP
• Meditation (more later in this article)
• Hypnosis and regressing
6. Practise Mindfulness
We often dwell on the past (our memories) or worry about the future (imagination). However, only the present exists.
People filled with shame often recall all the events when someone has embarrassed them, and they are afraid of the same treatment in the future. But what is the probability that it will happen?
Well, it will be high if you continue to follow your negative thoughts and beliefs in the present. Hence, always take care of your conscious mind. Focus on positive things around then
Recommended reading: Are You Struggling to Live in the Present Moment? Try This
Using art is a wonderful kind of practising mindfulness. Just draw the paint all that means tension. Use your imagination and do not be afraid of your ideas. Then you can burn this drawing or picture in the act of demolishing shame.
7. Work with your body
Practising mindfulness also means working with your body. Whenever shameful thoughts come to your mind, focus on the tense body part. Then visualise sending some White Divine Light to this place and imagine that the tension is being dissolved.
You can also use physical activity to dissolve shame and release all other accompanying negative emotions, e.g., anger, pain, frustration, and helplessness. Physical activity connected with kicking, biting, hitting, throwing, singing, dancing and crying are also beneficial.
8. Practise Self-Love and Self-Forgiveness
Compassion is the antidote to shame because it neutralizes the poison of shame and removes the toxins created by shame. Your goal should be to treat yourself in a loving, kind, and supportive way.
Recommended reading: How to Cultivate Self-Love: 9 Holistic Tools
In particular, it is important to work towards forgiving yourself for the following things: the abuse itself, all how you harm yourself, and the ways you hurt others because of your own abuse. The more shame you heal, the more you will be able to see yourself.
9. Practise Meditation
During meditation, you can reprogram many things. I mean the spiritual, transcendental meditation. Then your mind and emotions can be healed by the cleansing water of the waterfall or Divine White Light for the general removal of all negative energy.
In the case of shame, do not forget to use the Silver Light for cleansing the mental aspect and the Pink Light of self-love.
You can also heal your aura by recharging on the beach with the four Life Forces (i.e., fire, earth, water, and air). And heal your aura with Green Divine Light.
Let's Meditate Together
Connect by telepathy during meditation on Saturdays at 8 pm GMT. I will meditate with you and other people so that our joint energy can create miracles. Send your intention to the Universe. Transform your life and the world.
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10. Talk to a friend or a professional
People living with toxic shame often end up in toxic or troubled relationships because of the patterns from childhood. Broaden your perspective and realise that there are non-judgemental and ready-to-help people.
However, you also need to allow yourself to pursue fulfilling relationships with people who care about your well-being.
Beware that it may take plenty of support and compassion from loved ones to rewrite your deep-seated shame, but patience and self-compassion can make this possible.
Sometimes it will be necessary to contact a counsellor or a psychologist because it is too overwhelming to work on your own. Then you can work on shame in a complex way.
For example, you will be able to talk about shameful experiences. A trained, compassionate therapist can offer guidance and support as you begin to explore its origins, identify its impact on your life, and practice confronting it when it creeps into self-talk.
Here are some of the most common kinds of therapy:
• Prolonged exposure (PE): You are learning to react differently to the triggers of shame. Gradually, starting from imagination and ending in real situations, you learn to ease out and stay indifferent.
These triggers stop having power over you and you also reduce the severity of other negative emotions such as s guilt, and anxiety.
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a very specific form of therapy that can be used to treat many types of mental health problems.
It is a very specific form of therapy that can be used to treat many types of mental health problems which are broken into smaller chunks. Many exercises are written, e.g., mood log.
In a Nutshell
Today you have learnt more about shame: how it manifests, how it differs from guilt, and where it comes from. I have also described ten tools for working with shame so that you can live a peaceful, easy-going life and be immune to shameful situations.
They include working with thoughts and beliefs, emotions, and the subconscious mind, and talking to supportive people. Good luck with your journey to a shame-free life. Lots of love and light,
Vicky
About
Vicky is an experienced holistic writer and coach who inspires, motivates, and encourages everyone to become the best version of themselves - physically, mentally, and spiritually.
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