Vulnerability dreads most people because it brings the risk of the pain of being hurt or destroyed. Is this fear reasonable? Learn how to tame it.
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What Is the Fear of Vulnerability?
It simply means that you are afraid of intimacy and being dependent on someone else in any way.
For example, you can be afraid of telling your real thoughts to someone who knows your buttons and can push them hurting you.
No one also likes to be bedridden, infirm, and needing another person's care, being afraid that this individual may give out later by emotional blackmail.
There are several signs and symptoms (i.e., physical, emotional and cognitive) that denote the fear of intimacy or even phobia. The most common include:
Avoidance - of being yourself, telling what you truly think, hiding your concerns, weaknesses
Pretending to be someone else and even attacking other people (usually verbally) to avert their attention from your insecurities.
Why Are We Afraid of Vulnerability?
There are four main reasons why vulnerability is avoided like a plague. Here they are:
Vulnerability puts you at risk of pain or even agony because of being hurt, tortured or blackmailed. No one likes discomfort of any kind.
No one wants to feel weak, without control over their life. We usually think that to be strong and powerful it is a must to be tough and put up a good fight, putting up protective layers of resistance. Ironically, in an effort to be strong, you were giving up my power.
Your ego may be bruised by criticism and giving out. No one likes humiliation or at least light criticism in the public.
Intimacy puts you at risk of emotional manipulation. Again, you may feel pain which is often more unbearable than the physical one.
What Can You Learn from Vulnerability?
It is not comfortable to be hurt in any way. However, some pain because of vulnerability also gives you some opportunities to learn and it acts as a vaccine or training to develop new skills. Here are some examples (not all though):
Assertiveness and setting own boundaries.
Self-confidence and faith in your inner strength
Better communication with other individuals.
How Can I Cope with the Fear of Vulnerability?
It may not be easy at the beginning as any fear or phobia is overwhelming. But you can do it, having the light and strength within.
It may need some time, effort and practice at first but as with every skill, you CAN master it. Just try, starting today. Here are the less-known tools which you can use for taming the fear of vulnerability:
1. Recognise the Fear
Before you start fighting, meet the enemy. Learn as much as possible about your fear: when it happens, who/what triggers it, and what exactly you are thinking, feeling, saying and doing while being afraid of vulnerability.
Journalling and Recording
Keep track of how you’re feeling and your thoughts. Journalling can be very helpful here. It is helpful when you jot down the emotions you feel from breakfast to bedtime plus all your reactions to those emotions.
Becoming more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours helps clue you into what’s really going wrong and what needs to change for you to feel better.
Record everything, also the dark part of yourself. It may be cheating; lying; drinking, eating, or exercising in excess, or avoiding your partner by staying late at work even when you do not really have to. Once you have met your fear better, some action can be taken. Start from yourself:
2. Tame Your Thoughts and Emotions
During the storm, we must stay calm to survive.
The panic attacks generated by the fear or obsessive thoughts pushing you to avoid intimacy are like a storm.
However, there is a difference: you can get out of your mind and take control of the situation, being the child of God.
Never forget about your light within and the strength you have. Here are some ways which can help you to tame your mind and emotions:
Use snippets (e.g. Stop it! I'm the light and there is nothing stronger than it, I can, I am capable of, I will handle. I am safe.)
Cleanse your thoughts and emotions under a waterfall, breathing deeply and visualising White Divine Light removing all negative energy of the fear.
Do some physical activity to vent negative emotions (e.g., dancing, gardening, going swimming or to the gym).
Have you tamed your fearful thoughts and emotions? Try taking some action in the outer world.
3. Talk about It to Someone Who Will Understand
You can talk directly to the person who you are afraid of but also to other people who can give you helpful pieces of advice.
3.1. Talking to Your Partner
Once you get clear on what you are feeling, bring it up with your partner. Talking about some difficult issues (but without blame or judgment) can foster feelings of closeness and mutual understanding.
You do not need to talk directly if this person is too sharp-witted. Write a letter or record an audio message.
Beware though that sometimes people have a different level of awareness and illumination than you so some facts can be misunderstood or even criticised.
In case of an abusive relationship, work on your self-confidence first and take care of your safety, especially the physical one.
Sometimes it may be hard to confront the person directly. Try discussing it with your friends and a counsellor first. However, do not gossip or blame other people for their behaviour. They may not be saints and if they do hurt, karma will return. However, it is up to you how you will react, diminishing the swelling of these stings.
4. Check How Real Your Fear Is
After journaling, calming the storm and sharing your thoughts, the time has come to test the fear. No matter how sane you are, the truth is that all of us hold beliefs about reality that can be muddy.
We interpret a significant other’s behaviour in a false way. For example, if your partner is talking to a woman, smiling at her, you might interpret it as an invitation to flirt and have an affair. And this attitude is obviously fear (of rejection and abandonment in this case).
Start by doing your homework on your own. Whenever you face the fear of vulnerability and the storm of thoughts deluges your mind, apart from the snippets or commands ask these questions:
How probable is it that it will happen?
What is the worst case that will happen?
How important will it be in 10 minutes, 10 months, or 10 years?
What would my friend say/do in this situation?
Dig Deeper Talking to Other People
Ask your friend to rot his/her opinion. They can ask you the questions listed above, and it will be easier to find the absurd in your fear. It may turn out that your fear is irrational, exaggerated, and invalid. In this way, you will find a different perspective on whether your emotions and actions that follow them, are in line with facts and events.
5. Face the Fear
Once you have defined what you are afraid of, act and do the things that dread you. For example, do not hesitate to ask your partner for more quality time, and physical/emotional attention. You may want them to be less critical or make their criticism constructive. Ask about more personal space.
However, watch out for the way you will ask. Is it a loving talk or nagging, accusing? You will not achieve your goal by acting in a second way.
Here is an example of how to ask: for a more polite way of communication “I really care about you, but when you speak to me in that tone, it’s hurtful and makes me want to shut down. Can you try couching your feedback a little kindlier?”
6. Assure Your Fearful Partner of Safety and Love
Now, some words to the wise to someone who is with a fearful person. When he/she suddenly starts talking about their fear of vulnerability, never deny or say that it is stupid etc.
Rather be emphatic about what’s going on in your partner's head. Use counterexamples in the case that he/she is afraid of you leaving or not loving him/her.
For example, remind them that you wouldn't be there, investing time and energy in the relationship, if you didn’t want them to be in your life.
Talking to your partner is a great opportunity to meet him/her better and learn more about them. Make the most of this opportunity as it will enrich your relationship.
Never be afraid of asking "difficult" questions just because your partner may be rude or leave you. If they do, it is never your fault and never feel guilty. Rather work on your self-esteem and assertiveness.
7. Ask God for Help
Sometimes it may be difficult to talk to your partner and the fear is very strong. Calming to the storm may not work. then you need God's help to take the challenge.
Always assume that He/she is there by your side whenever you face difficulties. ask your Guide Angel, Jesus, Mary, or spiritual guides for a cue and believe that they are always to help you. Say:
God, please help me to face this fear reasonably. I believe that you are by my side, and you will never leave me alone. Give me strength and faith in my strength. I'm giving you, my fear. please, transform it into Light.
8. Meditate
Meditation can help you to significantly diminish or even eliminate any fear, including vulnerability. Connect with your soul and all the beings which never dread anything because their love and high vibrations are beyond any malice on Earth.
Remember that you have Light in your heart, able to dissolve any fear.
After closing your eyes, move to the place where you always feel safe and happy., your paradise If you cannot visualise, just say:
I'm in paradise now. No one and nothing disturbs my happiness and peace of mind.
Then go under the waterfall and cleanse your mind with falling water. You can also use Divine White Light. After cleansing, surround yourself with the bubble of Divine Light so that nothing will scare you.
Do not forget to recharge your batteries and raise vibrations by lying down on the beach (let Mother Earth take care of you).
In A Nutshell
Today you have learnt how to tame the fear of vulnerability. When the storm of fear arrives, calm down your mind and emotions. Then talk to your partner and/or other people about your concerns and check how real the fear is. Do not forget to pray and meditate to reduce the fear in the long run. Good luck. With lots of love and light,
Vicky
About
Vicky is an experienced holistic writer and coach that inspires, motivates, and encourages everyone to become the best version of themselves - physically, mentally, and spiritually.
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