Relationships

10 Effective Ways of Healing Shame and Be Happy

Shame is a big problem in today's world. We are afraid of our sex life and relationships. What can you do to transform this emotion and live a happy life?

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What Does Shame Really Mean?

There are many definitions of shame that you can find online. Instead of a difficult scientific example, let's unpack some characteristic features for shame:

Difficulty with honesty in interpersonal relationships - being afraid of criticism and humiliation, you will not show your true self.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness- even in a relationship, you still struggle with creating a nurturing connection.

Self-harm, for example cutting, binge/restrictive eating,

Abusive behaviour - even as a victim you can still manifest this pattern.

Challenge to form or sustain any kind of a relationship - you might be afraid of showing your quirks which may be criticised or ridiculed.

Getting into abusive relationships - shame puts you at risk at a much higher level.

Shame can be masked when you are around people by any addiction and compulsive behaviour. The next time you will look at an alcoholic or drug addict, think of what this person might be ashamed.

The Destructive Influence of Shame

All these features have one thing in common: destruction. According to Dr Hawkins, who has created the vibrational scale of consciousness, shame is at the very bottom, indicating pain and suffering. Why is shame so destructive?

• Shame opens the door to anger, self-disgust, worry and other feelings at ego frequency.

• It makes you feel small and worthless, trickling into your inner dialogue like a poison, locking you into a vicious circle of negative self-talk.

• You cannot love, enjoy your life and have hope for the better future.

• In extreme cases, shame induces self-harm and substance misuse.

• Shame isolates you. Believing negative messages about yourself can lead you to avoid and withdraw from others.

• It hinders your relationships because of mistrust, communication and sexual problems, which ignite conflicts. You are not open emotionally and withdrawn.

• You attract even more shame and pain t your life by negative thinking.

The Origin of Shame

Shame often has its roots in messages you have received from others, especially during your childhood. Being criticised as a person by parents or teachers, you identify with this criticism. It happens because the figures of authority criticized you for any poor behaviour choices you may have made.

Religion has also taken its toll; in the case you were told of being a sinner or guilty of all the evil in the world.

Can shame be healthy?  Well, only if you learn from it, work on it and move upwards the vibrational spiral of consciousness.

Shame vs. Guilt

These emotions are very similar but there are some differences that must be noted. Firstly, guilt usually relates to making a mistake, doing something you should not do, including doing wrong to another person.

Secondly, people often find it easier to discuss guilt, because it implies which in turn implies your willingness to repair any damage you have done.

Both guilt and shame can promote behaviour change because disappointment with yourself can prevent you from making the same mistake. However, shame relates to your sense of self, cutting deeper, so these feelings and thoughts generated by these feeling can linger long after your apology or repairing the damage done.

How to Heal from Shame

To succeed, you need to take a holistic action. Working only with thoughts or emotions will not bring you desirable effects. However, your thoughts are crucial here.

1. Meet Your Enemy

Start from learning as much as possible about your shameful thoughts, language and behaviour. For a couple of days, write all your shameful thoughts and in which circumstances they occurred.

Then, also in writing, answer these questions:

• What triggers my shameful thoughts?

• Who might have installed me this thought?

Also, notice the consequences of your shame. Look at your eating style and possible addictions like drinking, smoking and drug taking.

2. Change Your Thoughts

I have written many articles about working with thoughts You could learn about putting negativity to the bin or burning in the fire, I described the STOPP technique.

Today I will suggest broadening your perspective and… observing the thought. How to do it? Firstly, acknowledge the thought. Do not try to deny its existence. That is one way of seeing things.

Secondly, explore the thoughts. Where has it come from? Normally thoughts come from subconsciousness which in turn can be influenced by telepathy or mind control.

Further reading on your mind - the article continues below:

Thirdly, you can decide what to do with the shameful thought: think, observe or discard it. Obviously, if it is a shameful thought, find the evidence for and against it. Moreover, question the authority of those who have instilled this thought in you. Mum? Dad? Maybe it was not about them but their parents, grandparents, society, religion?

3. Change Your Beliefs

Your work is similar here, it just needs more determination and time because beliefs are condensed thoughts, something stronger. Firstly, write down all your shameful beliefs. Do it in your diary on the left page. Then, on the right, question each belief and decide what to do so that this belief stops bothering you.

For example, let’s say that you are shameful thinking of sex life. Write this belief as precisely as possible. Then question it this way:

• Who has told you that sex life is dirty/immoral etc.?

• How righteous were the people who have told you this belief?

• What was their benefit making you shameful?

• What is the evidence against this belief?

• What action can I take right now to change this belief?

4. Change Your Self-Talk

Start considering yourself as a beautiful being. No more shame or beating up yourself. Are you afraid that people will condemn your relationship with a 10-years younger man? What would be the worst thing that might happen? Does it really matter? For whom?

It should matter only for you. Stop looking at the social mirror, look at yourself. No one will live your life for you, so right now, when you finish reading this article, go to the bathroom or wherever you have a mirror, stand in front of it and, looking into your eyes, say:

I AM THE WONDER OF THE UNIVERSE, NO MATTER WHAT.

And repeat this for 5 minutes. Then decide that no one, anymore, will decide about your happiness, making you ashamed. Do this exercise for a month or more and see the difference

5. Work on Your Subconscious Mind

Your subconscious mind contains all your memories, not only from this life. However, you can reprogram them, not only by prayer.

But remember whichever method you choose, be willing to make an effort and work for at lest 30 consecutive days, or even longer. Also, give yourself a permission to get rid of shame and install the belief that you deserve the life without shame.

Reprogramming your subconscious mind is like decluttering and the computer and removing all viruses. In your case, these are shameful thoughts, beliefs and emotions.

However, you also have to beware of what you record to your computer (i.e., your mind). For example, avoid toxic people, that is those who record shame to your life, even if it means cutting contact with your family, ending a relationship or changing a job. Give them an assertive warning first, though.

Further reading about toxic people - the article continues below

What methods can you use?

ETF for working with emotions – link

NLP – external link

• Meditation (more later in this article)

• Hypnosis and regressing

Subliminal programming

6. Practise Mindfulness

We often dwell on the past (our memories) or worry about the future (imagination). However, only the present exists. People filled with shame often recall all the events when someone has embarrassed them, and they are afraid of the same treatment in the future. But what is the probability that it will happen?

Well, it will be high if you continue follow your negative thoughts and beliefs in the present. Hence, always take care of your conscious mind. Focus on positive things around then

Further reading about mindfulness - the article continues below:

Using art is a wonderful kind of practising mindfulness. Just draw of paint all that means tension. Use your imagination and do not be afraid of your ideas. Then you can burn this drawing or picture in the act of demolishing shame.

7. Work with your body

Practising mindfulness also means working with your body. Whenever shameful thoughts come to your mind, focus on the body part that is tense. Then visualise sending some White Divine Light to this place and imagine that the tension is being dissolved.

You can also use physical activity to dissolve shame and release all other accompanying negative emotions, e.g., anger, pain, frustration, helplessness. Physical activity connected with kicking, biting, hitting and throwing, singing, dancing and crying are also beneficial.

8. Practise Self-Love and Self-Forgiveness

Compassion is the antidote to shame because it neutralizes the poison of shame and removes the toxins created by shame. Your goal should be to treat yourself in a loving, kind and supportive way.

Further reading on compassion and self-forgiveness – the article continues below

In particular, it is important to work towards forgiving yourself for the following things: the abuse itself, all the ways in which you harm yourself, the ways you hurt others because of your own abusive. The more shame you heal, the more clearly you will be able to see yourself.

9. Practise Meditation

During meditation you can reprogram many things. I mean the spiritual, transcendental meditation. Then your mind and emotions can be healed by the cleansing water of the waterfall or Divine White Light for general removing of all negative energy. In the case of shame, do not forget to use the Silver Light for cleansing the mental aspect and the Pink Light of self-love.

You can also heal your aura by recharging on the beach with the four Life Forces (i.e., fire, earth, water and air). And heal your aura by Green Divine Light.

New to meditation? Check this first.

Let’s meditate together

Connect remotely during joint meditation on Saturdays at  8 pm GMT. I will meditate with you and other people then use telepathy. Send your intention to the Universe. Transform your life and the world.  Check and join upcoming meditations.

More about meditation

  • 6 Most Dangerous Mistakes  During Meditation
  • The 6 Mistakes Made During Meditation And How To Fix Them
  • 5 Ways To Overcome  Challenges During Holistic Meditation
  • 8 Cases When Holistic Meditation Is A Must
  • How To Transform The World By Meditation
  • 10. Talk to a friend or a professional

    People living with toxic shame often end up in toxic or troubled relationships because of the patterns from the childhood. Broaden your perspective and realise that there are non-judgemental and ready-to-help people. However, you also need to allow yourself to pursue fulfilling relationships with people who care about your well-being. Beware that it may take plenty of support and compassion from loved ones to rewrite your deep-seated shame, but patience and self-compassion can make this possible.

    Sometimes it will be necessary to contact a counsellor or a psychologist because it is too overwhelming to work on your own. Then you can work on shame in a complex way. For example, you will be able to talk about shameful experiences. A trained, compassionate therapist can offer guidance and support as you begin to explore its origins, identify its impact on your life, and practice confronting it when it creeps into self-talk.

    Here are some the most common kinds of therapy:

    Prolonged exposure (PE): You are learning to react differently to the triggers of shame. Gradually, starting from imagination and ending on real situations, you learn to ease out and stay indifferent. These triggers stop having power over you and you also reduce the severity of other negative emotions such as s guilt, and anxiety.

    Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a very specific form of therapy that can be used to treat many types of mental health problems. It is a very specific form of therapy that can be used to treat many types of mental health problems which are broken into smaller chunks. Many exercises are written, e.g., mood log.

    In a Nutshell

    Today you have learnt more about shame: how it manifests, how it differs from guilt, where it comes from. I have also described ten tools of working with shame, so that you can live a peaceful, easy-going life and be immune to shameful situations. They include working with thoughts and beliefs, emotions and subconscious mind, talking to supportive people. Good luck with your journey to shame-free life. Lots of love and light,

    Vicky